She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
