One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
