the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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