Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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