i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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