so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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