remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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