I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
