He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
