I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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