I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
