I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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