she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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