eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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