she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
