You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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