When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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