I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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