I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
