My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
