from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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