I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
