Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
