dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
