I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Randomize
