So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
