my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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