I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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