It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
