Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I can't turn off my feet"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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