I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
