I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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