I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
