I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
