he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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