Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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