The maid of honor just puked.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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