Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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