one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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