Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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