Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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