I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
