i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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