Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
