yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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