no, he came in my armpit
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
