I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
