just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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