why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
