I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
