sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
