I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
