Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
