I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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