Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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