Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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