She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
