whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
