Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Success! We fucked roommates!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
