Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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