I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize