i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
