Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
