And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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