Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
this beer tastes like vomit already
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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